Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
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I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus