My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
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I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.