MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
The Friday File.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Home is where your toilet is.
put ‘er there pardner!
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”