The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
You Might Also Like
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
*jazz hands*