customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
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[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies