Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
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My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*