I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
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Still my favourite meme.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”