boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.