I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
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I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants