Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
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just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.