Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
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I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
The “research” scene in every horror movie
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri