Mmmm canned fish.
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Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
who wore it better?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.