Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
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*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
When your parents check you’re ok.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.