me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
You Might Also Like
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I hope your spoon slides into your soup