her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
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I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.