In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
You Might Also Like
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up