Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
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Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Breaking news:
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured