[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
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Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.