SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
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All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased