Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
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People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I camp so other people don’t have to.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’