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People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.