Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
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It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”