A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
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[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Instructions for frozen chicken pot pie:
1. Preheat oven to 400
2. Cook on baking sheet for 16 days
3. Let stand 5 minutes before serving
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.