I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.