Love is in the air fryer.
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[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
crochet youtube is brutal
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move