I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
You Might Also Like
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.