Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
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Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter