[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
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[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.