Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
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If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical