Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
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not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Meow
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something