Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Omg 🤣
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”