Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
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me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
They’re the worst 😩
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Name this drama.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.