I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.