*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
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I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I’m putting together a team
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming