Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
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I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?