oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
You Might Also Like
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Friday
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.