Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
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All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
work smarter, not harder
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?