Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
You Might Also Like
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
🤣🤣🤣
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught