Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.