professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
You Might Also Like
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
⚠️ Important Reminder:
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”