Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
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doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Coffee for people with no kids
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested