I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
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husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
eggs benadryl
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
yeet