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• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.