I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
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Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT