An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
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I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Same pineapple, same
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???