my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
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I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.