My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
You Might Also Like
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
felt that
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*