Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
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I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Anyone really
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Time heals everything 🙂
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.