Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
True
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.