It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
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The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Sex so good you see dead people.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me